Aleesha described herself as a" horse enthusiast". New York City police prefer to describe her as a horse thief. This young woman is so horse crazy that she insisted her chestnut mare, Cinnamon be present in the classroom. Not only did the horse eat my notes, but it picked my pocket leaving me without train fare for the long commute back to my hotel.
Alisoncould not be reached for comment during the workshop as she had just escaped from Precinct 112 on a "borrowed" motorcycle. Her current whereabouts are unknown.
Amanda certainly had a way with words...like "Stick 'em up!" and "Don't move and no one will get hurt." Amanda deserves special recognition for carrying out her assignment in spite of a broken finger which was the result of a fist fight she had the night before with some unfortunate members of the Merchant Marine. Touched by my concern for her finger, she broke my thumb just so that I could sympathize.
Eli's notable artistic skills include her ability to make perfect reproductions of twenty dollar bills that both delight her classmates and infuriate local law enforcement officers.
Elouise a.k.a. "Hopper" impressed me not only with her knowledge of crime scene analysis--specifically how to remove her own finger prints from crime scenes -- but in addition she possesses the capacity to jump really high. This latter skill has proved particularly beneficial in her area of expertise: cat burglery. However, Elouise is no ordinary cat burgler. She only steals very rare porcelain cats from the greatest museums of the world.
Emily a.k.a. "Wizard"has a passion for all things magic, such as card tricks and other forms of deception. No matter how many times I tried to pick the card she was thinking of I was always incorrect. Somehow, three minutes into her card trick I found myself owing Emily a substantial sum of money. When I explained that I had no money seeing as Aleesha's horse Cinnamon had taken it, she showed a large measure of generosity by taking only my shoes and hat in exchange.
Eveinvited me to sit next to her at the classroom table and then informed me that I owed her $20.00 for the privelege of using her chair. When I expressed my outrage she explained that she knew where I was staying and that accidents do happen.
Georgieunfortunately missed our first class due to a hearing before a judge downtown. Seems a vandal looking awful like Georgie had been seen with a blowtorch melting all the ice at Rockefeller Center. Georgie made up for lost time in the second meeting by setting my briefcase ablaze.
Katherine insisted that I have her undivided attention. She did this by first securing me in very painful headlock and later by having me strung up with rope upside down in the middle of the classroom.
Katie spent the better part of both workshops on her mobile phone arranging the sales of many flat-screen televisions that had somehow found their way into her locker.Coincidentally, my own flat screen television had recently been stolen and so I asked if I could purchase one that looked remarkably like my own. Alas, since I was low on funds, Katie said she couldn't be bothered with a bumpkin like me.
Mary Annewrote a delightful postcard about riding on a dog sled. However, Mary Anne neglected to mention that the dogs pulling her sled were in fact dognapped from the Annual American Kennel Club Show in New York. More troubling were Mary Anne's Uggh boots which bore an uncanny resemblance to two missing prize schnauzers.
Olivia I I confess that there being two "Olivias" in Miss Nelson's class confused me. I'm still not entirely convinced that they are not the same person. Miss Nelson pointed out that I could distinguish between the two girls by their colorful and somewhat frightening tattoos. Olivia I sported a large skull and cross bones tattoo on her upper arm. Perhaps she is self-conscious about her tattoo because when she saw me staring at it she asked, "Hey! What do you think you're looking at Bub?" and then proceeded to stuff me into the cupboard beneath the sink.
Olivia II sported a tattoo that depicted a snake eating a pretty pony. The tattoo put Olivia II and Aleesha somewhat at odds with one another. I would have liked to spend more time working with Olivia during our workshops, but she was very busy dismantling the classroom's computer equipment and passing it through a window to a dark van waiting outside. Like her counterpart, Olivia II asked me, "What do you think you're looking at Bub?" and for the second time in the same class period I found myself trapped inside the cupboard below the sink.Perhaps this is the cause of my confusion.
SammyThe first time I saw Sammy she was sporting a beard that stretched down below her knees. During our introduction, she kept looking over her shoulder and asking if she was being followed. Once class began Sammy excused herself and asked if I could hold a simple brown parcel for her until someone named Vinnie showed up to retrieve it. Imagine my surprise when some Federal Agents came into our classroom and insisted I drive with them downtown to discuss some items missing from Tiffany & Company.
Stephanie displayed artistic abilities far beyond her years. Each week Stephanie visits The Metropolitan Museum of Art to "borrow" works that she then reproduces. According to leading experts in the insurance and art worlds virtually half the paintings in the Met are "Stephonies." The whereabouts of the real pictures remains uknown.
WilhelminaWhat can I say about Willa that hasn't already been written about in the newspapers' weekly crime columns? Willa's passion for all things piratey is infectious. Not only does she tutor her fellow students in the arts of lying, cheating and stealing, but she has taken it upon herself to instruct them in how to curse in such a way as to make even the most cold-blooded murderer blush.Being forced to walk the plank laid outside our seventh story classroom under the steely encouragement of Willa's sword was an honor and privelege, and something I will gladly repeat once my broken legs heal.