If Not for Her Ham Rolls - Hand-made Collage

Hot on the heels of the release of my first feature film, Escape from Hors d'Oeuvres Island, my next project has been picked up by Food Network for release in 2008. Not straying too far from the appetizer genre, If Not for Her Ham Rolls is a period piece amalgam: part Errol Flynn swashbuckler, part Martha Stewart food preparation demonstration. The Food Network marketing department describes it as the most entertaining movie about entertaining ever.

The storyline is as follows: The year is 1892. Hélene Jambon Hollandaise, a young heiress in a loveless marriage to a weight-conscious colonial administrator spends her ennui-filled days shuttered in her bedroom in Algiers. A chance encounter in the bazaar with Madame Yvette Poulet, exiled doyenne of the famous Paris passed-hors d'oeuvres salons, leads to the young woman's gastronomic awakening. As Hélene cooks up a storm, her husband grows more enraged. If the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, then it is no surprise that soon the reserved Hélene finds herself the unwitting object of affection of men from all strata of society. Soon suitors abound, hungry to catch a glimpse of the Administrator's lovely wife and to taste of her exquisite ham rolls. Rivalries erupt. Battle lines are drawn as all vie for a chance to gain intimate acquaintance with her deviled eggs. In a penultimate scene that is both heart-wrenching and artery clogging, dukes and shieks come to blows over a tray of duck confit in puff pastries. By the time her artful flower arrangement topples, this guileless hostess's fate is sealed. The film ends with the Administrator shipping his shamed wife back to Paris, a damning cordon bleu stitched upon her dress.

Stay tuned.