Periodic Table of Ailments -Electronic Illustration ©2005 Hugh Musick

I don't like to toot my own horn, but in The Chronicle of the Chronic Complainers I am something of a legend, in no small measure because of my formulation of The Periodic Table of Ailments. I realized one day that there are elemental complaints like the headache and heartburn that in themselves are cause for concern, but when paired with other symptoms whether real or imagined, form into very stable compound ailments that are the lifeblood of any hypochondriac. My table marks an important step forward for the neurotic, providing a heuristic for limitless self-diagnosis and boundless anxiety. At least it has certainly proven to be the case with me.